Learning how to prioritize relationships above results is a shift that has taken most of my adult life.
I learned as a child that love and acceptance were based on my capacity for "good behavior".
That if I acted in a way that was pleasing to others, and achieved the results others found impressive, then and only then would I be worthy of other people's time and attention.
So when I got my first dog as an adult (Batman), I carried this belief into my relationship with him.
Not only did this belief fuel my shame and anger when he wouldn't listen, it also became the foundation for how I viewed and treated him.
The quality of our relationship rested on how "well behaved" he was being at any given moment. And "well behaved" simply meant acting in a way that was convenient for me. This fucked everything up, and not only lead to a shitty relationship, but piss poor training results as well.
The results we get and the behavior our dogs express should only ever be viewed as feedback about their state of being and the state of our relationship.
When we punish "bad behavior" or use behavioralism (including positive reinforcement) with the sole aim of getting "results", we train the honesty right out of our dogs.
Parents wonder why their kids are closed off, or why their kids lie to them, and here it is plan and simple:
When our love and acceptance rest on the results and behavior of the other person/dog, (getting good grades, being polite, not disobeying or being in conflict, etc.) we erode trust and the results we seek slip farther away.
When we flip this around and become interested in results, but invested in relationships, suddenly missteps, mistakes, and conflicts become opportunities for insight, improvement, and bonding.
The trust that comes from this reversal of priorities is the single most important understanding I have when it comes to building a strong pack.
Everything is built on trust.
Never leverage the sanctity of your relationship to try to improve results. Instead, leverage what you learn from your results in order to strengthen your relationships.
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