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Writer's pictureAlex Canby

Life of a Modern Dog


alien dog walk

The Alien Abductor


Imagine one morning you wake up in a strange environment unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. You seem to be trapped inside some large, strange structure with no clear way in or out. All around you are unfamiliar objects with unknown purposes.


As you explore this weird environment, you suddenly find yourself face to face with the alien creatures who seem to inhabit this odd new place. 


These aliens are much larger and stronger than you. They speak to you with sounds you don’t understand and perform odd tasks that make no sense. 


It doesn’t seem like they want to hurt you. On the contrary, it becomes quite clear that they enjoy having you in their home. 


They are kind to you. They give you physical affection, offer you food and water, and seem to enjoy spending time with you.  


This is a bit of a relief, but soon you find yourself needing to go to the bathroom. You look around, but there are no human toilets. So out of necessity you find a spot out of the way and relieve yourself.   


One of the aliens sees you and is immensely displeased. They pick you up, scold you, then turn you around and force your face into the spot where you peed. 


This is a horrible experience, but there is no real recourse for you to take. If you try to resist or stop them, they simply use their superior strength and size to control and subdue you.  


One of the aliens grabs a collar attached to a rope which they place around your neck. They then lead you outside of their home and into a marvelous new world. It is vast, beautiful, and full of wonders you’ve never experienced before. 


As you begin to explore and enjoy this amazing new place, suddenly you are yanked back by the neck. The alien doesn’t seem to want you wandering around. They are speaking to you sternly, but you have no idea what they are trying to say. 


As you look around, you see more aliens moving about with other humans, all being led around by the neck. You want to go meet these other humans, see if they can tell you what’s going on, but again you are restrained by the alien leash and collar. 


As the days go by, you realize that these aliens want you to go to the bathroom outside. This wouldn’t be a problem except that you have to wait for them to take you out, and sometimes they leave you locked inside their home for long stretches of time. Even when they’re home, they don’t seem to understand when you try to tell them you need to relieve yourself. 


It also becomes clear that these aliens are easily upset. Even though you have only the vaguest idea what they want from you, they seem to hold you responsible for a great many things. When you fail to meet their mysterious expectations, you are scolded and punished. 


You never agreed to be their obedient servant, doing everything they command right when they command it, but your agreement doesn’t seem to be a priority for them. 


Your happiness is less of a concern for them than whether or not you behave according to their mysterious whims. 


You slowly begin to learn parts of their complex language and decipher what they want through trial and error. Patterns in their actions and speech begin to make some sense. 


The aliens’ lives are filled to the brim with strange tasks and rituals. When you interrupt these tasks to tell them you need something, you are often met with disapproval. Occasionally they’re happy with you, but the most reliable sign that you’re behaving the way they want is that they ignore you. 


It becomes clearer and clearer that their agenda is the only thing that truly matters, and your wants and needs seem to make up only a tiny part of that agenda.    


As weeks turn into months, you start to learn to cope with their alien ways, but there are still a lot of challenges in this alien world. Primarily that you are dependent on these aliens for everything.


You cannot go to the store to buy your own food. They give you food, but it is always the same, dry, boring cereal. 


You cannot get water for yourself to drink. They give you a large glass to drink from, but when it’s empty you have to wait until they remember to refill it.  


You can’t bathe or groom yourself unless they decide to wash you themselves which can be quite unpleasant. 


There’s no television to watch. No phone. No internet. No books. They give you some simple toys to play with, but these quickly become boring. 


You have no human companionship beyond the people you briefly see at a distance when they take you outside to use the bathroom. 


They leave you locked inside their home with no way of knowing when they’ll return. 


When the aliens are home they offer you some companionship, but even then they spend most of their time and attention staring at strange alien objects.  


Your only job seems to be to simply coexist with the aliens without complaint. When you do this, the aliens are agreeable and affectionate enough. When you express your feelings of frustration, confusion, or anxiety towards the aliens, they quickly become annoyed with you. 


Sometimes they yell. Other times they inflict physical pain on you. Sometimes when they are really upset they lock you away in solitary confinement. If you cry out for relief from your hunger, thirst, loneliness, boredom, or fear, this upsets them even more. 


Eventually you decide you are going to escape from their home. You don’t know how you’ll provide for yourself in the strange alien world outside, but out there has to be better than this.


Sure, they feed you three times a day. Sure, you don’t have to worry about going to work and are free to sleep whenever you want. But life here is so monotonous without any real challenges to overcome. So empty without any meaningful ways to connect or contribute to the lives of those around you. 


Unfortunately, when you do try to escape they always capture you and reprimand you. It doesn’t make any sense. If they are so unhappy with you, and so disinterested in helping you live a full life, why not just let you go? 


After trying everything you can think of, you eventually give up. The pain and fear of your existence becomes background noise and you learn to ignore it. 


As the time passes it becomes clearer why these aliens actually want you in their home. 


They want you to be their loyal and respectful pet, regardless of the painful lifestyle they’re providing for you. Regardless of whether they meet your needs or not. Regardless of whether they listen to you or not. Regardless of all the strange rules they want you to follow, but fail to explain clearly. 


They want you to obey them and to never inconvenience them or embarrass them in front of other aliens. 


They want you to be perfect. 


sad dog

The Life of Many Modern Dogs


I’d often heard it said in envious tones that people would love to have their dog’s life. Not having to go to work. Getting to lay around and relax as much as you want. Receiving free meals everyday day. Having no responsibilities. 


However, when we begin to see our dogs' experience through the lens of the alien abductor, it’s not the luxurious life we supposed. 


When I really began to look at what Batman’s (my first dog) journey with me must have been like, this was the closest approximation I could imagine. I was acting like an uncaring, alien abductor who didn’t want a teammate or a family member, but rather an obedient pet. 


This wasn’t because I was an evil alien overlord. It was because I was deeply confused. I created a life of conflict, boredom, and loneliness for Batman because I believed that a “good dog” was one that acted in a way that didn’t detract from my lifestyle or upset me in any way.


Many modern dogs find themselves living in similar situations with people who have the best intentions, but are similarly confused. Like myself, these pack leaders are simply trying to solve the wrong sorts of problems. In doing so, they end up creating unnecessary suffering and missing out on the immense value that comes from having a harmonious relationship with their dog.

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